Irony. Not that they would get that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a total stickler for grammar and spelling. I may or may not even have been the District Spelling Bee Runner-Up in both the 3rd and 4th Grades - and might have been the winner if not for "righteous" and "semaphore".

So - explain this: I have not had any sort of sexual relationship or chat with a man who speaks/texts/emails/IMs in proper English for months. If you looked at the text history on my phone, you'd think I was dating 15 year old high school dropouts.

Punctuation? They're not interested. Spellcheck? What is that? The difference between your and you're? Get real.

Clearly that's how I like it, so it's my issue. And one that I need to figure out, since I really couldn't get serious with someone who doesn't know when to use "its" vs. "it's". But I'm seeing some irony here. And wondering if any of them know what that word means.

Update: Red.

So, Red resurfaced a couple days ago with an attempted booty call. I declined in a pitiful attempt to play hard to get, then reciprocated last night.

I don't think he's my Prince Charming, or even that I will know him a month from now, but I'm glad I saw him semi-sober. Although I am still trying to figure out why he slept in my bed in full body Under Armour, right next to me, and didn't touch me all night or morning long. (After we already had had sex a couple hours earlier...so it wasn't some attempt at being a gentleman. wtf is that.)

On the plus side, he rolls giant blunts, has a now confirmed super hot body, and is a very oddly sexy combo of ghetto and smart.

I was kinda hoping for a better connection, but I'm not kicking him out of the rotation yet.

It's not you, it's most definitely me.

I had a realization today: I pick some fucked up guys to date. It's been almost a year since I've started dating again post-commonlaw marriage of my 20s....and it's been a bizarre cast of characters. I feel like I am missing a few early ones but I can remember most of them, in order of appearance:

Taye Diggs Lookalike: HOT. HOT. HOT. A perfect re-introduction to dating and sex. Huge muscles and other things, ouch actually, and he broke my bed, literally. But....the guy's a weirdo and a sketchball. Should probably have known he was sketch from the start since his texts come from a weird string of numbers, not his name or number. Among other things, he's also attempted a 9 AM booty call and was eliminated recently with the whole "sexy slut" comment. Too bad. I really liked him at first.

The Roofying Asslicker: Yes, you read right. Pretty sure he roofied me - either that or I got shitfaced from 2 glasses of champagne, which is simply impossible - then took me to Harlem and tried to lick my asshole all night. Enough said.

The Pseudo Boyfriend: As previously mentioned, we pretended we were bf-gf for a bit, he even met my sisters for a beach weekend. He's really nice and was really fun when he was a big drinker. When the drinking stopped, so did the fun. And the sex...me on top for 5 minutes, missionary for 5, me on top for 5, and...done. IF I was lucky. Predictable sex is almost worse than no sex, if you ask me.

The High School Crush: Possibly the best of the lot, so naturally also the one I have seen the least. Met up fifteen years post-high school at a reunion, stayed up and out together until 6 AM that first night. Have been hooking up and getting the occasional beer every few weeks since. Great guy, perfect anatomy, amazing sex. That's about all we do anymore, the every few weeks night of crazy sex. In large part because he LIVES IN FUCKING BROOKLYN. And thinks it's the greatest place on earth. Like I said, they all have fatal flaws.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell: AKA the one with the wedding ring. Not much to say about this one except that I clearly shouldn't be involved in this but can't seem to feel guilty about it. Crazy physical chemistry and a few crazy adventures. I won't say more at risk of grossing out Muffy and Diana. Have been slowing down with this one in a too-late attempt to fix my karma, but can't seem to cut it off completely.

Bloated Tiger Woods: Met this one online. All good, talked for a week, then we met......40 pounds heavier than his profile picture. Tiger Woods lookalike, if he was blown up like a balloon. Literally. He kept looking at me and saying "damn...you look good." While I do think I am better in person than pics, I don't look THAT good. I can only surmise that he assumed I'd be 40 lbs heavier too? Either way, sorry, I'm shallow, but I don't date fat guys and that one pissed me off. That's just deceptive.

Shawty: Previously mentioned. Why I think it's OK to meet men at Brother Jimmy's, I don't know. He was OK wasted and sitting, not great wasted and standing, and completely unacceptable sober in any position. And on our first and last date, the "you can sit a little closer, you know!" and "your lips look soooo soft" comments did not help his case. Nor did the attempted phone booth molestation. Ew.

Joepa: Another online date, possibly my last. SO nice, but also giant and awkward. Feel a little bad, I agreed to a second date and never responded to his last texts, but I just was 100% unattracted to him. Bad karma on this one too, he didn't deserve to be straight dissed. I am bad at getting out of situations gracefully.

Ivory Coast: I don't need to say very much about this one at this point, right? The giggling, the bringing the friend on the dates, the track jacket, BROOKLYN, the sonnet texting, the list goes on. So why have I not stopped texting him? Issues I tell you. Issues.

And of course, no summary would be complete without a mention of the bizarre Ex Common Law Husband situation. Still very tight, still talk and text all day every day, and he may or may not have bought me a $400 DVF dress the other day. I watched the last episode of Friends last night and he is Ross to my Rachel. Best of friends, really not terribly attracted to one another.

But, through the adventures of the last year, I've become smarter than Rachel - I've figured out that the attraction part is just as important as the friendship part. Every successful couple I know has both and I'm not willing to settle for one or another. I'd rather wait - I almost said I'd rather be alone, but I've got friends, family, an endlessly amusing cast of characters in my bed, and I live in the most amazing city in the world. Somehow I don't feel alone at all.

(I still probably need to work on my choices. Suggestions and setups with tall, dark, and handsome men are always welcome.)