"Beardo = Weirdo"

While translating to Muffy & Heidi today the various texts I'd been receiving from The Beard, all Muffy had to say was:

"Beardo = Weirdo."

She might be onto something. But then again, aren't they all kinda weird in their own peculiar ways?

I'll let his communication speak for itself:

6 AM Him: "Hey"
(Who the hell starts texting at 6 fucking AM!?)
815 AM Missed call.
(And then follows up 6 AM texting with an 8 AM phone call?!)
10 AM Me: "Well someone was calling & texting bright and early... whats up?"
155 PM Him: "Was celebrating after work. Figured if I was awake everyone should be."
205 PM Him: "Come hang out!!"
214 PM Me: "Wish I could...have to work though."
215 PM Him: "When do you get done with work? I don't have to work til 7 tonight."
I ignore.
320 PM Him: "Play hooky!!!"
445 PM Me: "Can't, so sorry! Have fun!"


I kinda think I'm a bitch sometimes....

Like This Isn't Obvious.

The Beard texted me tonight. He works at the bar around the corner from my apartment on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I can safely say that he is looking for a little after-work bootay.

His pickup line for the evening: "Hey whats up".

Riiiiight. Because that one will get me into bed every time.



(He should know by now that I need a couple of shots and a few Blue Moons in me, and then a "hey whats up".)

Tequila and Texting do not mix.

Texts from last night:

Him: Hi Diana, its Pothead. How are you?

[six hours later] Me: I'm well thanks, how are you?

Him: I'm a year older, 27 now. We should go for a drink at The Wine Bar sometimes.

Me: I'm sorry, I hate The Wine Bar.

Him: Oh ok, you got a place you like to go for a drink?

Me: Well I mean I do have a boyfriend though... Does that matter to you?

Him: Well, he's your bf, not mine, i digged you that night, you're really cute.

Me: Well thanks. I have a question. What was the guy doing on the roof with just suspenders and boxers but no pants?

[thirty minutes later] Me: Pothead my love...please tell me the suspenders story

-Pothead calls. I don't recall the conversation, just that I know I really egged him on even further. We hang up.-

Me: It was so good to hear your sexy voice.

Him: Hehe, really? Glad you like it babe.

Me: You speak french, can you tell me what menage a trois means?

Him: It means me, you and another cutie.

Me: How about you me and another guy?

Him: Lol, you're funny, you're game like that? I never done that, but i'm like that energy bunny, you only one of me ;)

[I think he meant, "you only need one of me"...]

Him: I'm back home, we should meet up, i'll teach u more sexy french.

Me: Hm, menage a trois. What about you and Ivory Coast?

Him: What??? You're serious? i don't know about that ...come on babe, let me drop by and say hi, i haven't seen you in a while.

Me: I'm actually really serious. Is that a problem?

Him: Ok, let's meet up and talk about what you want to do, imma take a shower, let me know, if you serious, i can seriously drop by and get down to some serious business... Nope that's not a prob ...just say the word, i'll be right by your doorstep, coming to put some dick between your legs, just say the word. Lol, we can alternate...seriously u got me in the mood, i wanna tear your ass apart babe...

-At this point, The Beard was listening in to us girls laughing so hard at the text messages that he grabbed my phone, and decided he was going to answer Pothead for a while. I didn't argue and let him text away. I'm seriously going to hell. The following messages sent from "me" are actually The Beard...-

Me: The only thing you'll be putting in me is a serious bout of nausea.

Him: Ok, i get it...but you started with this, i just played along. i didn't think you were serious at first, that's why i asked you, but think what you want to think.

Me: Take it easy buddy I'm sure there are women lined up around the block to have your awkward sexual advances texted to them.

Him: I didn't make any advances until you teased me about having a sexy voice and wandering about menage a trois ...i called you see how you were doing and if you wanted to meet up, that was it...anyway, it doesn't matter now.

Me: [this was Heidi taking the phone back and trying to wrap the convo up] Dude pothead I'm just drunk and was playin'. Dude its all good.

I'm going to hell. I'm going to hell. I'm going to hell.

The Beard

Several interesting things happened last night. They may have been a bit of tequila/sangria/beer induced, and yes, my head is still spinning this morning, so I may have to share these stories throughout a couple of posts.

Back on my birthday, I met a bearded bartender that I thought was kinda cute, we exchanged numbers and a few texts, and then... yah, you guessed it. MDFM Phenom. Whatev.

I apparently had no shame last night after downing a few drinks, and Heidi, Muffy, and I headed back to the bar that The Beard worked at. He recognized me, I jokingly asked him what happened with hanging out, and we ended up texting back and forth while I was sitting at the bar. I asked when he got off, he said 4, it was only 1, so we left.

As I arrived home, I received a text from The Beard asking for some dirty sexting.

I was drunk. I could play this game.

It went on for over an hour, I told him to come over after work, and I finally passed out around 230.

I woke up this morning at 9 AM to 2 text messages and three missed booty calls. Oops.


The best part: I turned my computer on this morning to find that I had googled "Tips on How To Talk Dirty".

Wow, I'm juvenile.