The Brit that ruined accents forever.

Did Heidi and I ever mention that we joined OKCupid one night while we were being drunk and silly? Well I've hardly ever logged on, but the tricky part of that site is that people instant message you while you are on, so it's very hard to not speak to at least one of them.

This guy, we'll call him The Brit, messaged me, I checked his profile, and I wasn't so into it, so I ignored him. Well then he pulled the "Did I not pass your approval test?" line which made me feel like an asshole, so I said hello back, and it went from there. His picture actually was cute enough - he looked like a dark haired, kind of serious but possibly suave British guy with blue eyes.

Boy, can pictures lie.

He asked for my gchat, and we decided to grab drinks that upcoming Tuesday evening. He gchatted with me throughout the day Monday and Tuesday, and we actually got along quite well in conversation. I was actually a little nervous going into the date, hoping that I looked okay and making sure that my hair and make-up were all fresh.

I arrived at the bar at the Ace Hotel and saw him from across the room. I had been worried he might be a little short for my taste, but I could fully see his height upon walking in and was relieved that he was at least 1-2 inches taller than me. Crisis averted.

Til I rounded the corner and got the full view. You know how we ladies sometimes have weight challenges in the 'love-handle' area? Well, I think that the male equivalent is the 'spare tire' zone. And boy, was he packing a spare.

I had never been on a date that had turned out to be chubby, so I was caught off guard for a split second. It looked like he had attempted to be put-together, but something about it all just read 'sloppy' to me... Ugh, no bueno.

So we have our drink at the hotel bar, and then he immediately interjects that he has planned our next destination. Oh goody.

We walk a couple of blocks to an Italian wine bar on E. 28th Street - a cute place, but I totally was over this date already. There just wasn't a physical attraction, even I could admit that, and I don't know what it is, but when someone continually is telling you that you are 'lovely' all throughout any of your conversation, the whole thing just feels awkward.

Of course, The Brit insisted on ordering a bottle at this wine bar, and as I was with Volleyball Guy, I didn't feel badly when I made an excuse to run to the restroom right at the time that I knew the bill would come. Maybe I'm a jerk, but I did not opt for this second destination or a bottle of wine.

He had a third destination planned apparently, but I cut him short and told him that I had to be at a work meeting bright and early and had to get home - it was already pushing 11 pm at this point, and I felt that I had been polite for as long as I could possibly muster.

We left the wine bar, and as I was reaching up to dig in my purse for my Metrocard, he took the liberty of grabbing my left hand and interlocking our fingers. Ew. Hand holding to me is actually somewhat intimate - I'd first make out with someone before I opted to hold their hand even - and I was completely grossed out that he made such a ballsy move. I pulled it away slyly, and kept digging for the Metrocard.

We finally reached my train stop, and I tried to make a quick escape, but of course, The Brit had other plans. He grabbed my hand again and then asked, "Might I kiss you?" in that British accent that I was now completely turned off by. I pulled away and kind of giggled, "Oh nooo, I'm a good girl...I don't kiss on first dates." (Such a lie.)

He accepted defeat, asked for a next date, I eluded that question, and dashed into the subway.

I arrived home to a text, "I had a lovely time. When can I see you again?" I slept on it, figuring out what to do, and I decided to continue with my attempt at positive karma and wrote back, "Thank you so much for a nice evening. I really appreciate your asking, but I just don't think that I felt a romantic connection. I'd be interested in keeping in touch and being friends, if you'd like."

Gosh, I thought that was nice of me. At least I didn't ignore him, which he had mentioned on the date was one of his biggest pet peeves.

His response? "Well that's one bloody way to say good morning."

What a sore loser.

The biggest let down of the date? I think that he single-handedly has managed to ruin any of the Queen's accents for me: British, Australian, S. African...they all just sound annoying to me now. Bummer.

Update: The Student

I was thankfully let off the hook on the whole putting-up-The-Student situation. He ended up being able to stay with a friend of his for the entire week, so I don't have to stress over being on my best behavior or having an immaculate apartment - phew.

He is still coming to town, however, and will be staying in the neighborhood, so chances are that I still might see him. He had originally expressed that he wanted to see me while he was here regardless, but things have been a little weird communication-wise since that conversation, so it's kind of up in the air at this point. I think that the problem lies in me not wanting to make myself vulnerable to a) a guy and b) a 21-year-old guy, so I've been acting somewhat standoff-ish, which is totally not how we have ever communicated with each other in all the time that we've known one another.

Anyway, there was some passive aggressive Facebook flirting that went on last night that is so dumb that I'm hesitant to share, but hey, I think we're all operating on full-disclosure mode here, so feel free to feel awkward for me as you read this:

The Student's Facebook Status: "New York City tomorrow."

Other people commented, and then...

Diana: Are you so excited? Prepare for the heat!

The Student: I'm bringing a good amount of shorts and a mickey mouse water fan to cope with the heat.

Diana: You know you're a native New Yorker when...you personally own a Mickey Mouse water fan. :)

The Student: Hahahaa very funny Di

That's it? Really?

This is what I get for making out with a 21-year-old in his dorm room.

booty call.

nothing like waking up to 2 missed calls and a text, all from the 3 am hour. why hello Red.

is it wrong that my first thought was, "shit, I wish I'd been up"?

make a sweet love? really?

really, seriously.

how did I get myself mixed up with a guy who keeps texting me that he wants to 'make a sweet love' to me?

I think I need to go to therapy.

texts from last night.

Last night...was....a shitshow. Could and probably should be its own entry, but let's just say it led to me jumping out of a cab to projectile vomit at 9:30 this morning.

Apparently Pseudo was having quite the night too, and feeling amorous because I woke up to 12 new texts, along with a whole conversation that I don't remember. From the beginning.....skip to the end if you just want the extra fun late night segment.

10:15 PM:
P: How goes Heidi
Me: Hi :) I may or may not be wasted on the UES. How are u?
P: I'm good :) A little drunk too. More wine than I'm currently used to.
Me: Ah, I see. At the bar next door?
P: So u've been good?
P: No. Home working/drinking. But headed there soon.

10:49 PM:
Me: I've been good :) having kinda ridiculous night but good :)
P: At bar now. Ahh jersey girls suck! Its who u are but I wish u weren't so complicated :) but then again I'm a mess too. Pbly easier this way I am really tired of hurting people. I don't have the constitution for it.
Me: Wait u mean is jersey girls who are complicated or me? Confused :)
P: lol. ure complicated. Jersey girls are simpletons.

11:02 PM:
P: But maybe not. I accept the fact that I may have created all the complexity in my mind.
Me: w me or u? (or both?)
P: Obviously I'm drunk. Just add it to the entertainment fee you owe me :)
P: No with me to answer ur question.
P: I know how you came to your positions
P: Usually understanding the others positions is enough to make a decision

11:32 PM
P: K Ignore me
P: Like for real
Me (via Diana, I couldn't type at this point): I'm way confused
P: Seriously ignore me
P: But if u want clarification
P: :)
P: Ure beautiful
P: Check
P: Smart. Check
P: And as much as my better self knows I shouldn't I'd come see u in a second
P: Not sexual just hi Heidi
P: And pbly obvioulsy a little drunk
P: Check
P: Hope ure enjoyin the show :)

11:47 PM
P: Ignore it all tomorrow

I am a terrible TWI'er.

TWI = Texting While Intoxicated.

Saturday night, the girls and I were all out til about 5 am... Needless to say, I was a good bit intoxicated. And apparently, when intoxicated, I regress. Lots.

I decided to text Pothead:

Me: "I heard that you were hitting on one of my best friends, Muffy. I thought I was your girl?"

He answered the next morning:

"Haha, and what happened to your boyfriend? Lol, you're sexy from head to toes, but Muffy does have a nice booty :)))"

And then later Sunday night he followed up with:

"Now how come you only talk to me when you're drunk? You wouldn't happen to be one of those white girls with a repressed jungle fever now would you? Ha."


At least he has a great sense of humor in dealing with my drunk texting/teasing him!

Sunday Funday.

A lot can be said about a weekend that starts with mojitos in Central Park at 4 PM Friday and doesn't really stop from there. While there are quite a few stories to share...here's Sunday's action.

Met up with Muffy around 4 for "brunch" AKA our first meal since the 5 AM pancake and grilled cheese feast we shared that morning. We were both in seriously rough shape from the night before and were planning on a nice quiet Sunday meal, maybe watch a little basketball, maybe talk to some boys, no biggie.

Then, after a bloody and a few beers, Ivory starts texting. I'd agreed a few days before to see him on Sunday and didn't really think I could bail. Muffy and I were having too much fun, though, and I didn't really want to deal with Ivory alone so....Muffy and Pothead were invited! We head over to the old standby, hereby renamed J BBQ.

Ivory.....was in Gigglemonster Stage 7 when we arrived. Swinging back and forth between semi-normalcy and So Loud The Whole Bar is Looking at Us Gigglemonster. Fuck. How to deal with this situation? Um, shots. From the hot bartender, please.

Fast forward 2 hours, 2 shots, 2 beers....Ivory is shitfaced, Pothead is hitting on Muffy, I'm....wondering how the fuck I am in any way involved with this character. What next? Karaoke, of course. We head to the next spot. Take a shot from Asian bartender chick who I think may moonlight as a call girl, and is of course friends with Pothead...and we head to the back.

I can't really even explain Ivory's behavior in the karaoke room...but, suffice to say it was positively insane....involved a LOT of stumbling around the room, covering his face with his shirt repeatedly, and a loud, swaying attempt to serenade Muffy from the stage without a microphone.

Muffy and Pothead were gearing up for their duet when the karaoke machine broke, and Ivory was getting more ridiculous by the instant, so we were out. He had now asked me to come home with me at least thirty times, so I proclaimed that Muffy is sleeping on my couch, we are exhausted, and we have to go - NOW.

After a small goodbye struggle, we head out. I make Muffy walk with me to keep up appearances, then a half a block away.....brilliant idea...back to J BBQ and the hot bartender! Done. We play some skee ball, Muffy woos the hot bartender into giving us a free shot of Patron and.........out of the corner of my eye, I see someone swaying and falling and - it's Ivory! FUCK. As I try to break the news to Muffy...Pothead appears behind us.

Ohhhh nooooooo. Ohhh noooooooo this is bad. We have no words, I don't even say anything to Ivory, the bartender gets a good laugh out of it all, and Muffy and I decide...time to GO. Again. For real this time. We ungracefully stumble outside, have a quick chat with a very bizarre little man perched on top of a car like a spider monkey, and sit down to have a cigarette. We're talking about love, lust, and the evening we just had when...what? I am soooooo about to throw up. Apparently my earlier weekend conversation about how I never vomit anymore was a curse, because next thing I know, I am getting the hairy eyeball from an Upper East Sider walking her dog, as I am throwing up on the street. Wow. 32 years old, Sunday night, puking in a planter. C-L-A-S-S-Y.

If you're wondering if I heard from Ivory today, why yes I did:
11:03: "Morning my baby - miss you..."
12:25: "Heidi Heidi :)"
1:15: Missed call.
2:48: "Are you avoiding me or what???? Hope you are having a good day :)"

Apparently I am his princess for-e-va. I need to figure out how to make all men love me like this.

"Beardo = Weirdo"

While translating to Muffy & Heidi today the various texts I'd been receiving from The Beard, all Muffy had to say was:

"Beardo = Weirdo."

She might be onto something. But then again, aren't they all kinda weird in their own peculiar ways?

I'll let his communication speak for itself:

6 AM Him: "Hey"
(Who the hell starts texting at 6 fucking AM!?)
815 AM Missed call.
(And then follows up 6 AM texting with an 8 AM phone call?!)
10 AM Me: "Well someone was calling & texting bright and early... whats up?"
155 PM Him: "Was celebrating after work. Figured if I was awake everyone should be."
205 PM Him: "Come hang out!!"
214 PM Me: "Wish I could...have to work though."
215 PM Him: "When do you get done with work? I don't have to work til 7 tonight."
I ignore.
320 PM Him: "Play hooky!!!"
445 PM Me: "Can't, so sorry! Have fun!"


I kinda think I'm a bitch sometimes....

Tequila and Texting do not mix.

Texts from last night:

Him: Hi Diana, its Pothead. How are you?

[six hours later] Me: I'm well thanks, how are you?

Him: I'm a year older, 27 now. We should go for a drink at The Wine Bar sometimes.

Me: I'm sorry, I hate The Wine Bar.

Him: Oh ok, you got a place you like to go for a drink?

Me: Well I mean I do have a boyfriend though... Does that matter to you?

Him: Well, he's your bf, not mine, i digged you that night, you're really cute.

Me: Well thanks. I have a question. What was the guy doing on the roof with just suspenders and boxers but no pants?

[thirty minutes later] Me: Pothead my love...please tell me the suspenders story

-Pothead calls. I don't recall the conversation, just that I know I really egged him on even further. We hang up.-

Me: It was so good to hear your sexy voice.

Him: Hehe, really? Glad you like it babe.

Me: You speak french, can you tell me what menage a trois means?

Him: It means me, you and another cutie.

Me: How about you me and another guy?

Him: Lol, you're funny, you're game like that? I never done that, but i'm like that energy bunny, you only one of me ;)

[I think he meant, "you only need one of me"...]

Him: I'm back home, we should meet up, i'll teach u more sexy french.

Me: Hm, menage a trois. What about you and Ivory Coast?

Him: What??? You're serious? i don't know about that ...come on babe, let me drop by and say hi, i haven't seen you in a while.

Me: I'm actually really serious. Is that a problem?

Him: Ok, let's meet up and talk about what you want to do, imma take a shower, let me know, if you serious, i can seriously drop by and get down to some serious business... Nope that's not a prob ...just say the word, i'll be right by your doorstep, coming to put some dick between your legs, just say the word. Lol, we can alternate...seriously u got me in the mood, i wanna tear your ass apart babe...

-At this point, The Beard was listening in to us girls laughing so hard at the text messages that he grabbed my phone, and decided he was going to answer Pothead for a while. I didn't argue and let him text away. I'm seriously going to hell. The following messages sent from "me" are actually The Beard...-

Me: The only thing you'll be putting in me is a serious bout of nausea.

Him: Ok, i get it...but you started with this, i just played along. i didn't think you were serious at first, that's why i asked you, but think what you want to think.

Me: Take it easy buddy I'm sure there are women lined up around the block to have your awkward sexual advances texted to them.

Him: I didn't make any advances until you teased me about having a sexy voice and wandering about menage a trois ...i called you see how you were doing and if you wanted to meet up, that was it...anyway, it doesn't matter now.

Me: [this was Heidi taking the phone back and trying to wrap the convo up] Dude pothead I'm just drunk and was playin'. Dude its all good.

I'm going to hell. I'm going to hell. I'm going to hell.

The Beard

Several interesting things happened last night. They may have been a bit of tequila/sangria/beer induced, and yes, my head is still spinning this morning, so I may have to share these stories throughout a couple of posts.

Back on my birthday, I met a bearded bartender that I thought was kinda cute, we exchanged numbers and a few texts, and then... yah, you guessed it. MDFM Phenom. Whatev.

I apparently had no shame last night after downing a few drinks, and Heidi, Muffy, and I headed back to the bar that The Beard worked at. He recognized me, I jokingly asked him what happened with hanging out, and we ended up texting back and forth while I was sitting at the bar. I asked when he got off, he said 4, it was only 1, so we left.

As I arrived home, I received a text from The Beard asking for some dirty sexting.

I was drunk. I could play this game.

It went on for over an hour, I told him to come over after work, and I finally passed out around 230.

I woke up this morning at 9 AM to 2 text messages and three missed booty calls. Oops.


The best part: I turned my computer on this morning to find that I had googled "Tips on How To Talk Dirty".

Wow, I'm juvenile.

A week in text messages.

OK, I can't lie. I do sort of like Ivory Coast, despite the 2nd Avenue Groping Incident. But, more than anything, I'm highly amused by his texts. A few choice excerpts from the last 5 days(bear in mind that we have now hung out twice: when we met at a bar and one subsequent date)....in order of receipt:

"Heidddddi I really love you :)"
"Relax and think about my pretty smile for an hour and then you great :) Heidi really I like you"
"...I want to see you again so bad :)"
"Are you the most wonderful girl or what??? Cuz I really like you :)"
"You will have fun times with Ivory Coast :)"
"...hope that tomoro we two lay sleeping in our nest in the churchyard sod w our limbs at rest on the quiet earth's breast n our souls at home w lord"
"...and I am sitting in this boring class daydreaming about you..."
"I think I am a prince :)"
"...we will make a great couple :)"
"hey princess :)...I am getting plenty of rest for only you my princess :)"

footnote: typing all of these things out just freaked me out a little. and I didn't even include the funniest one of all as it deserves its own post. maybe this isn't so amusing???

Introducing Delaware

So in looking back, I believe that the "Man Dropping off the Face of Manhattan" Phenomenon (we'll call this the MDFM Phenom) began sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving of last year.

That means I'm going on about four months of this totally unsuccessful streak of either:
a) meeting someone that I am interested in that feigns interest for a while, at the very least, before halting the phone calls and date requests, or
b) meeting someone that I'm totally uninterested in that apparently is also totally uninterested in me, because he doesn't even attempt to call for the second date and give me the option of rejecting him first.

Let me tell ya, Fall '09 and Winter '10 have definitely given me an ego thrashing.

Rewinding back to one of the first cases of MDFM, a girlfriend and I bravely ventured to Brooklyn for a party where we really knew only the host. We ended up quickly making friends and gravitating to the cute boys of our choice, and I managed to having a super flirty game of Beer Pong (how romantic) with a somewhat-shy but pretty adorable guy from Delaware.

The night wrapped up with Delaware and I being the only two left in the back yard with him serenading me and playing my requests on the guitar. (Sidenote: I normally find the whole guitar-playing, boy-serenading shenanigans super unappealing and insanely corny, but this time, I found it surprisingly sweet...) 3 AM rolled around and Delaware's friends started hollering for him to leave, so he took my number, and texted me right away to tell me he had a great time meeting me. I don't remember exactly what happened after that. I do know that there was texting back and forth for a couple of days and that he had said he'd call by the end of the week for us to plan a date.

He apparently got wind of the MDFM Phenom and never called.

Until..... two days ago? (Note: we met in the Fall, and it is now almost Spring.)

I received:
"Hey Diana, it's Delaware. We met at [Redacted]'s party a few months back. We had a musical night and I still remember how much I enjoyed meeting you. I'd like to get together if you're up for it."

It was such a nice message, and I was definitely curious to eventually hear what caused his four month hiatus, and his subsequent reappearance. I waited a good 48 hours before responding, but ending up texting back and forth with him again all night last night. I made no mention of hanging out and am going to wait to see if he can actually follow through on solidifying the plans this time...

If the MDFM Phenom has taught me anything thus far, it is to not hold my breath, but I am definitely intrigued... and eager to see if the Phenom is finally ready to throw me a fucking bone.

Texts from Last Night

Last night, I used the excuse that I was having an argument with my "boyfriend" and therefore could not go meet Pothead, who is a friend of Ivory Coast. I thought that the commitment aspect of that would give the not-so-subtle hint that I wouldn't be interested in visiting with Pothead.

Apparently, there were still gray areas.

Text received:
"Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you are having bf trouble. Come out have a drink, let me put a smile on your cute face :)"

Umm....I'll take a rain check.