make a sweet love? really?

really, seriously.

how did I get myself mixed up with a guy who keeps texting me that he wants to 'make a sweet love' to me?

I think I need to go to therapy.

texts from last night.

Last night...was....a shitshow. Could and probably should be its own entry, but let's just say it led to me jumping out of a cab to projectile vomit at 9:30 this morning.

Apparently Pseudo was having quite the night too, and feeling amorous because I woke up to 12 new texts, along with a whole conversation that I don't remember. From the beginning.....skip to the end if you just want the extra fun late night segment.

10:15 PM:
P: How goes Heidi
Me: Hi :) I may or may not be wasted on the UES. How are u?
P: I'm good :) A little drunk too. More wine than I'm currently used to.
Me: Ah, I see. At the bar next door?
P: So u've been good?
P: No. Home working/drinking. But headed there soon.

10:49 PM:
Me: I've been good :) having kinda ridiculous night but good :)
P: At bar now. Ahh jersey girls suck! Its who u are but I wish u weren't so complicated :) but then again I'm a mess too. Pbly easier this way I am really tired of hurting people. I don't have the constitution for it.
Me: Wait u mean is jersey girls who are complicated or me? Confused :)
P: lol. ure complicated. Jersey girls are simpletons.

11:02 PM:
P: But maybe not. I accept the fact that I may have created all the complexity in my mind.
Me: w me or u? (or both?)
P: Obviously I'm drunk. Just add it to the entertainment fee you owe me :)
P: No with me to answer ur question.
P: I know how you came to your positions
P: Usually understanding the others positions is enough to make a decision

11:32 PM
P: K Ignore me
P: Like for real
Me (via Diana, I couldn't type at this point): I'm way confused
P: Seriously ignore me
P: But if u want clarification
P: :)
P: Ure beautiful
P: Check
P: Smart. Check
P: And as much as my better self knows I shouldn't I'd come see u in a second
P: Not sexual just hi Heidi
P: And pbly obvioulsy a little drunk
P: Check
P: Hope ure enjoyin the show :)

11:47 PM
P: Ignore it all tomorrow

Easter, according to Pothead

"Too bad you're not in town [for Easter]. I'd be your chocolate, you could be my bunny."

-Pothead

Romancing: The Match.com Way

I received a message from a guy on Match.com asking me about my week, telling me about his, and then rounded out the nice-enough message with: "I have a theory about you, by the way. :)"

Upon reading that last line, in stepped the side of me that gets defensive when people think that they know me before they actually do, so I responded with a short: "Hi, what's this theory that you've got?"

His response: "My theory is that you like men who are optimistic and upbeat because you like those qualities in yourself but at the same time you feel those qualities lacking in yourself and so want a man to fill them. How did I do? :)"

This, of course, brought out my I-don't-need-a-man-to-fulfill-me side, and I got too annoyed with his lame psychoanalysis to even answer.

I kinda feel sorry for him now that I retype all of this... I mean, was this the best pick-up line he had???

I am a terrible TWI'er.

TWI = Texting While Intoxicated.

Saturday night, the girls and I were all out til about 5 am... Needless to say, I was a good bit intoxicated. And apparently, when intoxicated, I regress. Lots.

I decided to text Pothead:

Me: "I heard that you were hitting on one of my best friends, Muffy. I thought I was your girl?"

He answered the next morning:

"Haha, and what happened to your boyfriend? Lol, you're sexy from head to toes, but Muffy does have a nice booty :)))"

And then later Sunday night he followed up with:

"Now how come you only talk to me when you're drunk? You wouldn't happen to be one of those white girls with a repressed jungle fever now would you? Ha."


At least he has a great sense of humor in dealing with my drunk texting/teasing him!

dilemma.

I may have engaged in some irresponsible behavior on Saturday night. But - I swear - it wasn't for lack of *trying* to be responsible.

So - here's my question - because it isn't the first time that this issue has come up (pun fully recognized) - would it be weird if I had magnum condoms at my apartment?

I kinda think it would be REALLY weird, but, I don't know........I'm feeling like this is a no-win situation.

Regression Complete.

It's official, my regression is complete.

Things that I did last night that I haven't done since college included:
- made out on the dance floor before getting a name.
- smoked pot at a bar and didn't think twice about it.
- kinda got seduced and super turned on dancing to an r.kelly song.
- totally had a one night stand. with a guy with huge blingy earrings in both ears.

A few comments/questions:
- no clue how old this guy was, but somehow i am thinking sub-25. oops.
- WHY do i like the ghetto guy thing so much?
- the motion of the ocean wasn't so great but when the ship is that big, it kinda doesn't matter.

injury on the field.

So I am working at Starbucks this afternoon and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror....and, weird, I have a coffee stain on my lip. I mean, I just drank two ventis, stained teeth would be normal - but my lip, so weird?!

I go to the bathroom to clean it off - rub a little water on it...but so weird, it's not coming off! I lean in and look a little more closely...it's not a coffee stain, it's a big PURPLE bruise. On. my. lip.

Suddenly I remember yelping in pain on Sunday night sitting outside karaoke when Ivory tried to molest me and bit me - hard. I seriously think he might have popped a blood vessel in there. I didn't even know that was possible. Wow, just, wow.

Sunday Funday.

A lot can be said about a weekend that starts with mojitos in Central Park at 4 PM Friday and doesn't really stop from there. While there are quite a few stories to share...here's Sunday's action.

Met up with Muffy around 4 for "brunch" AKA our first meal since the 5 AM pancake and grilled cheese feast we shared that morning. We were both in seriously rough shape from the night before and were planning on a nice quiet Sunday meal, maybe watch a little basketball, maybe talk to some boys, no biggie.

Then, after a bloody and a few beers, Ivory starts texting. I'd agreed a few days before to see him on Sunday and didn't really think I could bail. Muffy and I were having too much fun, though, and I didn't really want to deal with Ivory alone so....Muffy and Pothead were invited! We head over to the old standby, hereby renamed J BBQ.

Ivory.....was in Gigglemonster Stage 7 when we arrived. Swinging back and forth between semi-normalcy and So Loud The Whole Bar is Looking at Us Gigglemonster. Fuck. How to deal with this situation? Um, shots. From the hot bartender, please.

Fast forward 2 hours, 2 shots, 2 beers....Ivory is shitfaced, Pothead is hitting on Muffy, I'm....wondering how the fuck I am in any way involved with this character. What next? Karaoke, of course. We head to the next spot. Take a shot from Asian bartender chick who I think may moonlight as a call girl, and is of course friends with Pothead...and we head to the back.

I can't really even explain Ivory's behavior in the karaoke room...but, suffice to say it was positively insane....involved a LOT of stumbling around the room, covering his face with his shirt repeatedly, and a loud, swaying attempt to serenade Muffy from the stage without a microphone.

Muffy and Pothead were gearing up for their duet when the karaoke machine broke, and Ivory was getting more ridiculous by the instant, so we were out. He had now asked me to come home with me at least thirty times, so I proclaimed that Muffy is sleeping on my couch, we are exhausted, and we have to go - NOW.

After a small goodbye struggle, we head out. I make Muffy walk with me to keep up appearances, then a half a block away.....brilliant idea...back to J BBQ and the hot bartender! Done. We play some skee ball, Muffy woos the hot bartender into giving us a free shot of Patron and.........out of the corner of my eye, I see someone swaying and falling and - it's Ivory! FUCK. As I try to break the news to Muffy...Pothead appears behind us.

Ohhhh nooooooo. Ohhh noooooooo this is bad. We have no words, I don't even say anything to Ivory, the bartender gets a good laugh out of it all, and Muffy and I decide...time to GO. Again. For real this time. We ungracefully stumble outside, have a quick chat with a very bizarre little man perched on top of a car like a spider monkey, and sit down to have a cigarette. We're talking about love, lust, and the evening we just had when...what? I am soooooo about to throw up. Apparently my earlier weekend conversation about how I never vomit anymore was a curse, because next thing I know, I am getting the hairy eyeball from an Upper East Sider walking her dog, as I am throwing up on the street. Wow. 32 years old, Sunday night, puking in a planter. C-L-A-S-S-Y.

If you're wondering if I heard from Ivory today, why yes I did:
11:03: "Morning my baby - miss you..."
12:25: "Heidi Heidi :)"
1:15: Missed call.
2:48: "Are you avoiding me or what???? Hope you are having a good day :)"

Apparently I am his princess for-e-va. I need to figure out how to make all men love me like this.

Date with Delaware

Delaware and I got busted last night by the Po' for making out in a park at like 1 in the morning. What am I, 12 years old???

Obviously it was a great date though... Dinner at a cutesy place in the East Village, followed by drinks at The Bourgeois Pig (one of my new faves), a little make-out sesh in the park, followed by a little make-out sesh at his apartment.

I didn't get home til 3 am, and on a school night! I can't really say that there's anything funny and juicy to share, because the date was actually just a really good one. No abnormal behavior, no ridiculous outbursts or pathetic attempts to get my pants off. Just a good night.

I had pretty much forgotten what that looks like up to this point...