texts from last night.

Last night...was....a shitshow. Could and probably should be its own entry, but let's just say it led to me jumping out of a cab to projectile vomit at 9:30 this morning.

Apparently Pseudo was having quite the night too, and feeling amorous because I woke up to 12 new texts, along with a whole conversation that I don't remember. From the beginning.....skip to the end if you just want the extra fun late night segment.

10:15 PM:
P: How goes Heidi
Me: Hi :) I may or may not be wasted on the UES. How are u?
P: I'm good :) A little drunk too. More wine than I'm currently used to.
Me: Ah, I see. At the bar next door?
P: So u've been good?
P: No. Home working/drinking. But headed there soon.

10:49 PM:
Me: I've been good :) having kinda ridiculous night but good :)
P: At bar now. Ahh jersey girls suck! Its who u are but I wish u weren't so complicated :) but then again I'm a mess too. Pbly easier this way I am really tired of hurting people. I don't have the constitution for it.
Me: Wait u mean is jersey girls who are complicated or me? Confused :)
P: lol. ure complicated. Jersey girls are simpletons.

11:02 PM:
P: But maybe not. I accept the fact that I may have created all the complexity in my mind.
Me: w me or u? (or both?)
P: Obviously I'm drunk. Just add it to the entertainment fee you owe me :)
P: No with me to answer ur question.
P: I know how you came to your positions
P: Usually understanding the others positions is enough to make a decision

11:32 PM
P: K Ignore me
P: Like for real
Me (via Diana, I couldn't type at this point): I'm way confused
P: Seriously ignore me
P: But if u want clarification
P: :)
P: Ure beautiful
P: Check
P: Smart. Check
P: And as much as my better self knows I shouldn't I'd come see u in a second
P: Not sexual just hi Heidi
P: And pbly obvioulsy a little drunk
P: Check
P: Hope ure enjoyin the show :)

11:47 PM
P: Ignore it all tomorrow

Am I getting Punk'd?

2 texts that I just got in the last 10 minutes:

From Pseudo Boyfriend, who I have been pretty much avoiding since the night of 5-minute lovin and the introduction of Marriage Plan 2011:

"I'm so hating on these people with their relationships right now."

From Ivory Coast, who I met at a bar THREE NIGHTS AGO and am supposed to meet at a wine bar in 2 hours - upon confirming our plan:

"Cool--xoxo"

Pseudo: This is not going to help the me avoiding you situation.
Ivory: Are you secretly a 17 year old girl?

Who sends these texts? Do. not. understand.

today's lesson: the golden rule

Step by step instructions on how to be a big asshole:

1) Decide to break it off with Pseudo Boyfriend because you are bored, the sex is bad, and he is talking about wanting to be married - not necessarily to you, but married - next year, which totally freaks you out.

2) Passive aggressively stop texting him when you go away for a long weekend.

3) Find it a little curious that he isn't texting you either, but figure that you are involved in the fun dating came of Text Chicken - and he was the last to text so it probably is your turn.

4) Finally feel sort of bad, give in, text him.

5) Find out that - actually - the reason he hasn't been texting you is not due to Text Chicken, but is because his body went into shock 12 hours after he last messaged you, and he's been in the hospital for the last 4 days.

I mean - wow. Doesn't change the ultimate situation, we are not compatible, but this one did make me feel like a big jerk. Nice guys don't deserve to be alone in the hospital for four days and simultaneously suddenly ditched by their pseudo girlfriend.

Lesson learned: don't forget the golden rule, even if you're bored and the sex is shitty. It's just not cool.